Tuesday, November 30


I have babies on the mind.

 Baby J, 2 days old.

Not sure when or how that happened, but all of a sudden there's a little baby fever around here. Probably because I'm watching my sister's cute bump grow, and just heard my cousin is going to have a girl (yay!) and now we are headed into the hit-push-pinch-scratch-bite phase and it's already a little overwhelming. So I suppose I just miss my sweet little cuddly baby.

There are several things stopping me. One is, I think I'd be more suited to two children when J is a little older, maybe four or five?
I think that and then I remember how ridiculous it is to make a "plan" as if I'll just take out my IUD and get pregnant. Ha! So the second thing is that I'm not ready for infertility again. I'm not ready for another possible five years of unknown, or feeling hope draining out with every pregnancy test I take. Someday I might be. Someday I might just decide that the time doesn't matter. J can be 12 and have a little brother or sister on the way for all I care, but right now I'm not prepared to let the sadness of constant disappointment creep back into our little family.
The third thing is something I didn't even realize until a friend of mine said something very insightful. She asked if we were going to have another soon and I kind of shrugged it off. Then she said, "You know, not every birth is the same."

Screeching halt.

I immediately felt all the pain (emotional, not physical) of Johnny's birth come sweeping back into my heart. I haven't thought about it in a long time, but as I do now I can feel my heart start to beat faster and am becoming a little light-headed...
I didn't know it hurt so much- I wasn't letting it. But I was certainly 'shrugging off' the thought of doing it all over again. Trauma is something I've never had to deal with. There's been sadness and loss but never such a feeling as this that I'm finally allowing myself to acknowledge.

And so there it is: Fear... of the unknown (this month? maybe THIS month?!), of disappointment (nope, not this month... again), of emotional pain. I've always been proud of the way I've dealt with fear in the past but I think this time it may take awhile to move on from it.

I would go into a new pregnancy with all the optimism of the last for sure, and it would probably be much better because I'd be more prepared by default. Just getting to the pregnancy and then through the birth is something I'm not yet looking forward to.

But someday :)


  1. That always happened to me around my baby's first birthday as well. Whenever you decide to go for it I wish you the best of luck. I know many people who had a hard time with infertility the first time and then it happened easily the second.

  2. Thank you :) I may get lucky and it may happen right away (like those moms who get pregnant when you blow in their ear...ahem...hehe!) That would certainly be a blessing but for now I guess I'll just focus on this little blessing we've got trashing our house each day ;D

  3. we are in the exact same boat! It only took us 11 months to conceive Aly .. and that seemed like forever after the loss we had been through...
    now, we know we want another baby.. and with my risks, its smart to have him/her here .. but its also kind of "selfish" because of how far my family is .. and the fact that Im still carrying "extra weight".
    Also ... I totally get what you mean about "doing it all over again". I want a VBAC, but the timing would have to be just PERFECT! and I am so scared of haveing to go through another surgery to have my child!
    and that "is this the month?" "is this the test that will be positive?" .. it can literally plit your soul in half when your anticipation and hopes are shattered...
    but .. remember how wonderful it was when your hopes came true?

    .. its a decision that doesnt come lightly thats for sure. Ultimitly, I think when you guys are "ready" just tust that the universe will know when its right (wow, that sounded totally cliche .. bleh) but seriously.

    we are putting off "trying" because we dont want to have another sept/fall baby .. but, soon we will be back on that bandwagon ((gulp))...

    ok, so, Ive babbled a ton .. (surprise). ... Ill just add one more thing ... I agree with Lisanne (and so do a lot of my friends with 1+olds). It seems to happen once our babies "grow up" .. its exciting watching all the new developments .. but scary because its the last of its kind for them, before they move on to bigger and "better" things.

    ok .. Im done.. see ya later :)



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