I just found a blog about the aftermath of c-sections. I wasn't looking for it, but I needed it.
Here's a quick quote..
"...birth by cesarean is an emotional experience, not just a medical procedure.Women’s experience and perceptions of their birth may have very negative consequences despite good medical outcomes."
"The women who had an assisted delivery and those who gave birth by cesarean were much more disappointed. Although five years had passed since they gave birth, these mothers expressed dominant feelings of fear and anxiety about their experience and were more reluctant to become pregnant again"
It's good to know I'm not alone or crazy or just feeling sorry for myself.
The emotional scars of cesarean birth.
It does state that some women heal wonderfully and some don't. Guess I'm a don't and I'm in awe of you ladies who do.
I never even thought I was feeling depressed. I've battled with depression for years and what I was feeling wasn't the same. Looking back it's all pretty clear. I was afraid to leave the house most of the time, even to go grocery shopping- my dad was visiting over Christmas and we hardly did a thing. It was cold but, really, that was just an excuse. J was nearly three months old in January when Dad left and there was no reason for me to be so wrapped up in anxiety.
I suppose I could chalk that up to being a new mother but a lot of times it really felt like more than that. And feelings resurfacing like this now make it clear that there were some issues then. I had a wonderful midwife who talked me through every moment of uncertainty and cloudiness before I even knew they were there. I was very lucky. I do feel like that part has long passed and I am not afraid to take this kid anywhere or do anything, so there's that.
Yesterday I saw my midwife (she's been attending to my sister) and today at dinner we saw the doctor who attended to me my entire pregnancy. I didn't even want to talk to him and was hoping he didn't recognize me. I didn't want him to ask a question about our planned home birth, I couldn't bear to explain it. I slipped out while my friend talked to him, he remembered her and her little girl and was of course very pleasant (because he is, I always liked him).
Our midwife is still a steady point and I'm so thankful she is coming around. Somehow it's healing to recall that she was involved and encouraged the best for us.
Sorry for all the down-in-the-dumps talk, it'll pass. It's really nice to have this outlet and it's probably saving me a trip to the therapist. ;-> I guess I'd like to learn more about healing from this unexpected wave of emotions. If anyone has any resources to share I'd be happy to take a look!
*PLEASE excuse my spelling. My macbook is still out of comission and somehow my husband's spell check is set to German! So it just popped up with almost all my words misspelled, haha! Now you know how bad of a speller I really am!